FOREWORD:
I dreamt of LOVELETTER months before I realized what it was going to be. My brain would argue that its 1000% possible to dream while you’re awake, because isn’t lucid dreaming just being extremely present in your waking life? LOVELETTER feels kind of like lucid dreaming IRL to me.
It is my heart’s desire to dispatch a transmission of love from me to you. The love I found on the internet years ago truly saved my life so please know the notes I send to you are are just as rich and nutritious as if I were saying words to your face. I want you to believe and know that love is abundant. Even though I might not know your name or we’ve never met, these notes are written just for you. Please open, read, and digest these at your leisure. There also is no set timeline because a) time doesn’t exist and b) love letters are not meant to be scheduled. So they will show up in your inbox by surprise whenever I am thinking of you <3
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There is no shame in feeling lonely. It’s okay to need others. It’s okay to need someone to hold your hand. It’s okay to need someone to tuck you into bed. It’s okay to need someone to help you rest fully. You don’t have to do it by yourself. It’s okay to feel upset because you’re eating dinner alone, again.
Love can grow heavy when you have a lot of it and no outlet. Energy is energy. “If you don’t use it you’ll lose it” logic DOESN’T apply for love lmao. I'm writing this because I get lonely a lot but I'm trying to not be afraid of it. It's only human to feel loneliness from time to time. All that being said— remember that just because you're lonely, you don't have to be alone. I made Mr. Coco's Lonely Hearts Club for all you lonely lovers out there. Everyone can join, the only requirement is that you acknowledge your lonely heart from time to time. I made this playlist of my favorite songs to listen to when I’m feeling lonely and so when I eat dinner alone it won't suck as much. Please listen to this playlist sometime and it'll kinda be like we're together okay? <3
Read this when you're feeling lonely:
You must let yourself be loved
In order to be loved, you have to be seen
Let them see you
Have faith in the unknown
Practice trusting yourself more by doing things that make you feel vulnerable
Out of the void comes things beyond your wildest dreams
I want you to know how far, wide, and deep love can be
Savor and feed nuances, it’s what gives life flavor
Be surprised by your ability and capacity to love
Love resides within you at all times
Love without domination
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To say the least, last year scared the fuck out of me and all my defense/survival mechanisms kicked in— I built up the hardest, most invulnerable emotionally fortified fortress. Imagine a concrete building with 10 ft deep walls covered in a net of barbed wire. Stuck in my very own mental PAIN PALACE™ — sharp and intense on the outside, leaving me lonely and cold on the inside. At times the sun would shine in on me through a window and thaw me out for short periods of time but for the most part, I was just this angsty, confused teenager stuck at home with a lonely heart. This was all happening as I was (and still am) solo quarantined, with not much IRL human interaction aside from the handful of people in my pod.
Over lockdown I binged this K-Drama called It’s Okay to Not Be Okay where one of the characters, Moon Sang Tae really slapped me in the face with this line:
LIKE… T_T
Fear and pain is a master of disguise. It’s good at morphing into alluring distractions and mundane appearances of being okay. My mind tries to hold my heart hostage when it senses danger and creates elaborate fantasies so I don’t recognize it right away. There’s much power in recognizing and naming things. Demons lose their power over you when you say their name. What is fear but a demon whose name you haven’t said out loud yet?
I recently started seeing a new therapist who suggested I watch Brene Brown’s Call To Courage. If you are familiar with Brene Brown at all, she’s the person who broke the GOOP corner of the internet with her Tedx talk on vulnerability. She’s a white woman from Texas but says some real shit about vulnerability almost everyone can relate to. The biggest takeaway for me was hearing her say “In order to be loved, you have to be seen.”
Sometimes my brain will get stuck in outdated survival strategy loops and I will literally forget how to relax. My intention over the holidays was to chill and relax……but instead I just had an anxiety attack and cried three days in a row hahaha sometimes it’s just like that you know!? It was so hard for me to admit that I was afraid of being alone and that I didn’t believe anyone was capable of taking care of me but me.
This of course, is 100% not true but for some reason I love to create conspiracy theories about myself. The latest conspiracy theory I spun was believing that I was trapped in this fortress that was such a bitch to destroy and break out of. I spent all my energy punching the wall trying to make a dent in something that was meant to protect me. That Brene Brown remark literally *dislodged* this mental block for me because I realized the fortress doesn’t need to be destroyed and broken down in order to leave, all I had to do is walk out the fucking door!!! I felt happy today. I had energy to call my friends to tell them I love them. I’m practicing SHAMELESS LOVE. That’s romantic af to me.
THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL SHAMELESS (:<
Dying my hair
Drawing auspicious moles onto my face
Sending my friends obnoxious videos of me singing at them
Flirting
Dressing up to go to the grocery store
Lipstick that doesn't rub off on your mask, or at all... ever.. i mean it!!
Staying up for 30 hours and sleeping for 15 to bring you this first LOVELETTER <3 <3
P.S.
Rihanna said in an interview once that vulnerability is her greatest strength and power. That really stuck with me and gave me the desire to try it out for myself. It’s been a longtime since my heart felt open enough and I had the gall to spill it out into the void of the internet like this. I’ve been spilling my guts out onto the internet since I was 15 in 2008 *cue Tumblr reel flashback* It feels good to be back! I’m so grateful and happy to be here — launching LOVELETTER feels akin to the joy I get when the sauerkraut is finally ready. If you know, you know.
Until next time,
xxx
coco